As some of you know, I’ve been unwell for a bit of time. Nothing horrid, nothing that won’t eventually get a little better. But enough that it’s been hard to stay cheery and positive while dyeing yarns and designing patterns. As I continued to push myself, I lost a lot of the passion and magic that sparked my creativity and it was weighing on me more and more. Then the reduction of sales contributed to the stress and I ended up closing the dyeing portion of my shop. That did help with some stress, but then I was throwing a lot of mental and emotional energy into the patterns. Some were huge flops (Solstice Beginnings was a complete disaster) and others got a lot of my heart and soul (the whole Year of Meditations). While others felt like I just needed to get more patterns out there for everyone as quickly as I could.
In the midst of all of this, I’ve been trying to figure out what else might be physically wrong (I have a diagnosis of CFS, but everything else is still vague… “tests are within normal parameters”) as well as get to the bottom of some of my mental health issues – CPTSD, severe depression, and bipolar. Though, to be honest, I disagree with that last diagnosis because the questions are faulty. Seriously, who hasn’t had moments of elation? Every yarn sale I had boosted my mood. And the day I got a $500 order from a lovely person? Hell, yes, I was over the moon. I think it would be more problematic if I didn’t get excited. Anyway, I’ve worked my way through a lot of childhood trauma, adult trauma, and much more. And, while that’s fabulous, it hasn’t removed the depression or the issues stemming from CPTSD.
And so, I’ve decided that this winter season is going to be my Season of Grace. I’m honoring my inner Self with a bit of love, compassion, and grace. I’m allowing myself the time and peace to reconnect with the magic of knitting, the peacefulness of watching the yarn become something that brings a smile to my day. I’m not going to push myself to crank out new designs as fast as I can, instead I’m going to revive the joy and purpose I once felt when the yarn sang through my fingertips. I will, once again, use my creativity as a way to reaffirm my sacredness and deeper understanding of the cycles of Earth and Moon. I’m asking myself to find my inner roots and create wild connections and remember how to listen to the soil. I’m asking myself to hear the voices in the forest again, to listen to what the mosses and fungi have to say.
This does mean that there will be fewer patterns released in the upcoming year. But they will be more heart-centered and connection-inspired. And, with any luck, they will be even more aligned to nature and Spirit than ever. Thank you, so very much, for being with me through this whole journey. Thank you for being part of my life for so many years. When I say that I love you, I mean that with my whole heart.